Extreme Emergency
by PrincessGossamerRaventress
Summary: Daniel watches 'Wormhole Extreme' and has a nasty shock.
1. Default Chapter

The team had been off-world for two weeks, and Jack, curse him, had forgotten to tape the show. The familiar theme began to play. Settling back into the couch, Daniel relaxed in anticipation. Half-listening, he heard the announcer say: "previously on Wormhole Extreme" then a montage of scenes played across the TV screen.  
  
First the intrepid team visit made contact with an alien race. Ominous music played, then Dr. Levant, dashing young scientist, heroically sacrificed himself to save the aliens from their own folly. Next, one of the aliens, a self-proclaimed 'moralist' spearheaded an attempt to false accused Dr. Levant of sabotage, only to be foiled by Colonel Danning. Finally, the preview concluded with Dr. Levant's messy death, followed by a voice over cheerily announcing that the 'moralist' played by 'big name' Emanuel Lewis would be the new cast member.  
  
Daniel's mouth dropped. Moving with the speed he normally reserved for evading staff weapon blasts, he picked up his cell phone and speed-dialed O'Neill's number. After several rings, he heard Jack say "yello?".  
  
"Jack, we've got a problem," Daniel said, spluttering with rage. "They . . they killed me!"  
  
"Danny, calm down, what are you talking about?," Jack said, anticipating the worst.  
  
"Have you watched it? Have you?" Daniel practically screamed into the phone.  
  
"Watch what?" Jack said, growing more perplexed.  
  
"Wormhole Extreme! That's what!" Daniel shouted. "They've killed me, they killed me and replaced me with the kid from "Webster."  
  
Jack was stumped. What on earth was Daniel going on about? Had all that gate travel finally caused him to flip his lid? "Fill me in, Danny, wouldya," Jack said.  
  
"They killed off Dr. Levant and replaced him with the kid from 'Webster'," Daniel said.  
  
The light bulb finally went off. "You're talking about the show," Jack said.  
  
"Yes," Daniel hissed. "It's an outrage. Not only did they get rid of me, they replaced me with a former eighties child star."  
  
Jack chuckled at the image. Racking his brain, he tried to recall the 'actor' Daniel was referring to. All he could come up with was a vague memory of an obnoxious kid with weird hair and an insincere smile. "Cousin Nicky?" he said.  
  
"No, not Cousin Nicky, the other one," Daniel snapped.  
  
"The midget?" Jack could barely contain his amusement. "Why are you complaining to me?"  
  
"Come on Jack, you're the military advisor. DO SOMETHING!" Daniel yelled. "This is an extreme emergency!". 


	2. Daniel Takes Action

Daniel's House:

Earlier that evening, while watching Wormhole Extreme, Daniel had been appalled to discover that his alter-ego, Dr. Ray Gunn had been unceremoniously dumped and replaced with the former child star from Webster (no, not Cousin Nicky, the other one). Outraged, he'd called his friends to his home for an emergency meeting.

Jack tried unsuccessfully not to crack up at the sight of Field Marshall Von Jackson addressing the troops.

Catching sight of Jack's face, Daniel yelled, "This isn't funny, Jack! They had no right to do this!"

"Cool your jets, big guy," Jack said. "It's only a TV show."

"Only a TV show!" Daniel yelped. "How would you feel if they replaced YOU with the guy who played Willis on Different Strokes?"

"Okay, you got a point there," Jack admitted. 

Janet looked up from her laptop computer. "My god," she said, "This is unbelievable. It's only been 35 minutes and already someone's created a "Save Ray Gunn" website, complete with phone numbers, addresses for the studio and e-mail addresses."

Daniel smiled. "Well, I'm glad to know some people appreciate a good character," he said. Jack rolled his eyes. 

"But why?" Sam asked. "Why on earth would they get rid of the most popular character on the show?"

"Word on the web is that one of the producers is trying to suck up to the Monroe/Danning shippers," said Teal'c. 

'Word on the web? Suck up? I never should have allowed Jack to take charge of introducing Teal'c to American culture, Daniel thought.

"There are unsettling rumors that he was seen 'hottubbing' with the creator of the 'Gunnshot' site at the last WormieCon," Teal'c continued.

"Gunnshot?", "WormieCon?" Daniel and Jack yelped simultaneously.

"Yes, it is a site allegedly dedicated to the 'true luv' between the brilliant scientist Stacey Monroe and the moronic Colonel Danning," Teal'c said, casting a sideways glance at Jack.

"Allegedly?" Daniel asked.

"Hold on a minute here. What's a 'shipper'?" Jack demanded. "And what's an M/D?"

"A shipper is a fan who believes that two characters are, or should be, in a relationship. Hence the term 'shipper'," Daniel said. "For example a lot of Moonlighting fans wanted David and Maddie to get together. Of course, as soon as they did, the show's ratings dropped like a stone."

"Yeah, I remember that. Geez, I've never seen a TV show go downhill so fast. It just shows you better watch what you wish for because you just might get it," Jack said. "So what's up with this M/D thing?".

"According to the shippers Monroe and Danning have been in love since the first episode, despite the fact that they have nothing in common, he finds her boring, and she thinks he's an idiot," Daniel said.

"Uh huh," Jack said. "Oh yeah, that really sounds like true love to me. Where do they get this stuff?" he asked no one in particular.

"Beats me. I'll be dammed if I can figure out why anyone would watch a scifi/military action/adventure show for romance," Ferretti said.

Jack reflected on the episodes he'd seen. "Hey, wait a minute. I've never seen anything remotely romantic between them," he protested. 

"Neither have I, but according to the shippers, the reason we haven't a single trace of it before now is because they've been hiding their feelings," Daniel said. 

"Oh puleeze. If you're really in love, you can't hide it," Jack said.

Cassie chimed in with "Mom, check out the Wormturns Forum. There's a flame war going on between the M/D shippers and the Levantines."

"Oh yeah, I visit out that site from time to time," Siler said. "Man o man, for they really have it in for the actor who plays Levant. For people who are supposed to be M/D shippers, they sure do spend a lot of their time trashing Dr. Levant. I spotted a recipe for 'boiled head' on the live journal last week."

"Boiled head? That's disgusting," Sam said. 

Daniel gave Siler a sharp look. "I didn't know you were such a fan," he said dryly. Siler had the grace to look embarrassed.

Meanwhile, Janet skimmed the posts on the Wormturns forum, "According to the M/Ders, UTG is the episode which provides definitive proof of 'ship'".

"UTG?" Jack asked.

"'Under The Ground," Cassie said. "Monroe and Danning were zapped by the evil Zarkon's 'amnesia ray' and thought they were a couple."

"I remember that episode. It's the one where Monroe's bravely trying to cuddle up to Danning, who's sitting there, stiff as a board, looking like someone's holding a gun on him off camera," Siler said. "The shippers really got orgasmic over that scene." 

"Oh come on now, that's a bit of an exaggeration. Okay, so maybe the actor playing Danning did give the impression that he'd rather be doing something more fun, like say, getting a root canal, or working on his income taxes," Ferretti said. "But I'm sure no firearms were involved. Besides, I thought he looked more constipated than anything." Jack gave him a dirty look.

"How about 'Frying Pan'? That was the episode where Danning gawked at Monroe when he rescued her from the alien pod," Sam said.

"Wasn't she naked at the time? Any guy would have down the same. It doesn't mean anything," Jack said. Catching sight of Sam's murderous expression, he quickly added, "I mean that in a good way, Carter."

"I'm sure you do, SIR," Sam snapped.

Daniel was irritated. He'd been replaced and all his so-called friends could do was talk about non-existent romances. "Let's get back on the subject," he said peevishly. Jack, what are you going to do about this?"

"There's nothing I can do about it tonight," Jack said soothingly. "I'll talk to Marty in the morning," Jack said.

Slightly mollified, Daniel relaxed. Surely the United States Air Force would resolve the situation, he thought.

The meeting quickly adjourned. As they left, Janet turned to her daughter. "Cassie, you have school tomorrow, and we're going to have a little talk about your computer usage," Janet said. Cassie groaned.

"Don't worry Daniel," Jack called over his shoulder. "We'll get this straightened out right away."

The End. 


End file.
